Now that it was already shrunken, I was unable to cope up with any further ramifications and decided to do something about it. As always, I kept on procrastinating, till a post lunch walk with AS, sorted it all out.
Here’s a brief account of my self realisations, self assassinations and self assessments. Any references to any person or event living or dead, past or present is purely intentional and narrated here to prove my point.
Of late, I had realised that I was showering unneeded attention to my phone’s Facebook and WhatsApp installations. Siblings in every way, they made me cajole them every 5 minutes with my fingers and senses, took over my mind and heart in a manner very less have dared to, and well in a nutshell made me their slaves. Yes , I was addicted to Social Media and all its glitz and glamor.
The posts would be the first thing I would check early morning and status the last before I close my eyes for a deep slumber. Any frustrations would see me reaching out to green symbol and pressing its chat icon even if it is not stained. Memories kept reminding me of things I wish I could forget and photos kept probing me to create memories I would loath in future.
Then what kept me going ? – Escapism, Hope, Boredom, Happiness, Anxiety, Curiosity – sums it all.
I created a Orkut account when I was in Boston for a 3 weeks official assignment. Bored and no one to speak to, I took to virtual world with a vengeance and immediately fell prey to its simple philosophy of silent reach. Orkut gave way to Facebook and within 4 years I closed my account to avoid any further heart ache. But the lure of social world pulled me back. Disguised as my mom’s profile, I kept lurking around.
After 10 years of my first hiatus, I was back on social media – this time for distraction, for an outlet , to reach out and be heard. And then it grew on me. I became my own paparazzi. I craved for attention, the likes increased my self-esteem, and those who didn’t like funnelled my anxiety. They made me doubt my capability and expectations, those who liked made me want more.
The status updates made me think why do people see and still not talk about it – I failed to realise that it doesn’t matter to them as much as it does to me. Why are people online and still not pinging – for the simple fact that they have others conversations to attend to.
My friend list is huge but an amazing pic in the backdrop of Ladakh’s beautiful terrain has only 50 odd likes – strange. What’s wrong with people’s taste. Nothing – I overestimated .
I post if I want to prove a point, anyone cares – who knows ?
I update if I have something to say – anyone listening – I seldom heard.
Between all these, I was trying to put myself in other’s shoes and feel how they would feel – and in the process somewhere lost myself.
No doubt there is more to these – the feeds, the news, the pets, the humans of so and so, the anecdotes, the podcasts – which I failed to explore – why ?? due to sheer lack of discipline.
Social world with all its openness, still demands character – a balance – strength of mind and above all identifying the value of time.
In the pursuit of virtual happiness, I starting losing the real essence – things kept piling up – blogs took a backstage, the 50mm seldom saw light of the day and IPS is still not done.
I became more and more dumb – started taking shortcuts – fully aware that any work of art needs unbound patience and craftsmanship, I was in a hurry to do things for posting on social media and letting the world know of my accomplishments. Feed my ego, my inhibitions.
Is acceptance so important ?
That is my next TODO and to figure that out I need to prepare another TODO. If not the entire list, I am at least aware of the first step:
- Deleting my social media account.
What next…Keep a tab on this space – Social Media again Agree but one I believe will restore my brain back.